In defense of drinking milk

A hilariously inept article on why "adults should not be drinking milk" has inspired me to incompetently defend the vulgar and glorious drink I love so much. Full disclosure: I drink milk every day, I always have milk when I eat sweet starchy foods (cake, cookies, pancakes), and nothing will stop me from drinking milk.

Let me dissect this article point-by-point so that I might respond:

No other species can digest milk after babyhood.

There are plenty of things I'm going to keep doing, even though no other species can do it. Speak. Use modern medicine. Participate in a society. Develop and use tools. Kara Brown is free to eschew these things if she wants, although her picture shows her - gasp - wearing clothes! No other species can do that!

Fewer than 40 percent of humans on earth can digest lactose post-childhood, and only 5 percent of Asians and 25 percent of African adults can properly digest milk. In case you're keeping score at home, those continents have most of the humans we got.

No one is trying to force lactose-intolerant people to drink milk. But just because a slim majority of adult humans can't digest milk, I should stop drinking - why? Out of solidarity? Will that help those poor unfortunate souls?

You know what the number one killer of adults in America is? Goddamn heart disease. If you enjoy living, put the milk down.

The average American drinks 44 gallons per year of soda, compared to 20.4 gallons of milk. I'll concede it possible that, for an adult with a healthy diet, milk is a less-healthy choice than water. But often it's replacing soda or juice. On top of that, many people choose low-fat or skim milk.

Point: You can get calcium from plenty of other foods.

True. For most adults I believe you can get a healthy amount of calcium from a well-planned  dairy-free diet. So if you're eating plenty of spinach, kale, collards, or okra every day, then you're getting enough calcium. Everyone else should consider having some cheese or milk occasionally.

Point: It's gross.

I love the mental image Kara Brown must have of people like me. Cut to a black-and-white scene of me sitting in the dark, alone in a large unfurnished room, pouring a big glass of milk with a look of dread. "Milk is so gross, I hate it. But I - must - drink it for some reason! Why oh why is the world like this?" In reality, those of us who drink milk do it because - news flash - we LIKE it. We don't think it's gross.